Live or Die
So sorry it's been so long, apparently sitting on the couch on my iPad all day isn't 'making the most of the holiday' so I never got time to write while I was away.
sorry for any typos. In retrospect I probably shouldn't have waited until I was half asleep to edit this chapter......
Do you know who you are? Do you know what’s happened to you? Do you want to live this way? All it takes is one person, one patient, one moment to change your life forever. It can change your perspective, colour your thinking. One moment that forces you to re-evaluate everything you think you know. Do you know who you are? Do you know what’s happened to you? Do you want to live this way?
~ Cristina Yang, Grey's Anatomy, 10.17
Everything happened in a blur. Nurses and doctors rushed in and pushed Harry away from Bella forcefully. Bella's bed was angled so it was completely flat. Harry stood in the corner, held back by three strong males, while he screamed. He screamed at the men, to let him go. He screamed at the nurses and doctors, to save her. He screamed at Bella, to come back to him.
"Let's get her intubated and page Dr. Kailey now!" A young male doctor stood at Bella's head and inserted a tube down her throat, attaching it to a pump and handing it to a nurse before standing over Bella, both his hands over her heart, pressing down in jolts.
"Change the paddles to 200 and someone get him out of here." The young man took the paddles and rubbed them together then pressed them to either side of Bella's chest.
"Clear!" Bella's body jolted from the shock, but her heart rate was still non existent.
"Push one round of Epi and page Dr Kailey again! Re starting chest compressions."
Harry's vision became blurry, with tears, with rage, with shock and with pure panic. He continued to fight against the men holding him back, shouting and crying.
Dr Kailey burst into the room and scanned over Bella's chart.
"How long's she been down?"
"11 minutes. We've given her four rounds of Epi and shocked her 5 times." In normal circumstances, Dr Kailey would instruct her resident too call time of death, but these circumstances were anything but normal. She recognised the young girl. Her own daughter was always 'fangirling' about her and she had seen her in the newspaper a few times. One look at the lovesick boy in the corner of the room and she knew she could not give up on this patient, not yet.
"Alright push one more round of Epi and charge the paddles to 300." She instructed.
"Respectfully Dr Kailey, the patient-"
"She told you to charge the fucking paddles now do your goddam job!" Harry yelled at the resident, silently and vocally begging Bella to come back to him.
When I was five, my mother took me to a park. The memories from my childhood where I am not crying, being yelled at/about, wishing for another family, wishing for another lif.....well, memories that arn't negative, I can count them on one hand. This memory though, it wasn't a bad one. It wasn't particularly amazing. It was significant. It was memorable.
My mother took me to a park, just me. I remember she had her hair out and it flowed beautifully down her back. She didn't smile very often, but that day, her smile almost never left her face. After I had worn her out running around, we sat down together on a hill overlooking the city. When I saw a man standing on top of a tall building, closer to the edge than I thought was safe, I had pointed it out to my mother. She said simply to me,
"He is making a choice, a very important choice."
Her answer had only confused me more, for what decision needed to be made standing on a tall ledge? I thought hard about what my mother had said, but couldn't form a solution to my question, so I asked my mother what the man's choice was. It was then that she looked me in the eye and told me what his choice was.
To live or die.
I still hadn't understood what she'd meant. God decided when we died, we weren't allowed to decide. When I told my mother I was still confused, she smiled fondly at me, enchanted by my innocence. The way she then explained the mans choice was something I never forgot. It was the one thing I had held onto from my mother. The one thing that would always be imprinted in my mind.
We are meant to let God decide when we are to die, however sometimes people become unhappy with the way they are, the way their life is, so they want it to stop. They want to move into their afterlife, where they can be happy. They take a long time to chose, live or die. They spend many days, weeks, months or years choosing, live or die.
However, sometimes, the choice sneaks up on you. Maybe you had already been trying to decide, maybe the choice had never crossed your mind. Just sometimes, bam, the choice is there and you have to chose, live or die.
"How do you decide?"
I had asked her, watching the man as he stood by the edge of the building, making his choice. My mother took me into her arms and told me, that you have to ask yourself three things:
Who do I have to live for?
What do I have to live for?
Have I fought and tried my hardest?
There was one answer for each, she had told me, and if you say those three answers to the questions, you are allowed to chose death and God will welcome you into his kingdom with open arms. However, if for any of those questions, your answer is different, yet you chose to die, God will punish you for it.
If those are your three answers, it will be understood if you chose to die.
"Always chose to live."
My mother had told me firmly. When given the choice, always chose to live. Even if your three answers are the ones God will accept, your answers may change the next day, so chose to live, chose to hold on for a little while longer. She told me that I might want to chose to die one day. Back then, I didn't know why she would think that. If you can live, you should. God gave you a life, cherish it, share your life with the people around you, change your life until it makes you happy.
Back then, I didn't understand that the choice, live or die, wasn't that simple, but so much more complicated.
Who do I have to live for?
What do I have to live for?
Have I fought and tried my hardest?
Now that I have the choice, live or die, I realise that those questions may not matter like I once thought they would. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you have someone, or something to live for. They, or it, may not be enough. No matter how wonderful they/it may be, is it worth choosing the imperfect, torturous, beautiful, hard choice, that is to live? There is always more room to fight, more room to try. Always. Yet as you keep holding on to life, it becomes less and less desirable and to continue fighting would be a fate so much worse then death. The real thing, you have to ask yourself, isn't about what you already had in your life, it's about what would happen if you chose to die.
Who would you be leaving behind?
What would you be leaving behind?
How will the world change from your death?
At the end of the day, no one ever knows the point in life. What my mother told me on that day at the park though, was that the point of life was to make a positive impact on others lives. I think that's a good way to look at things, because then when you are given the choice, to live or to die, it's not so easy to chose to die.
Over time, as I grew older, I never forgot that day with my mother. I never forgot how she explained the choice the man had to make. I never forgot how I sat beside my mother with my fingers crossed for what felt like all eternity, watching the man. I never forgot watching him, step backwards, off the ledge and back onto the safer part of the roof. I never forgot the relief in my mothers eyes, and the joy I felt from knowing that the man had chosen to live. I never forgot.
What I never realised though, was how appealing death would be when I was faced with the option. I never realised just how easy it was to forget about everything I would be leaving behind. I never realised how much I would want to chose to die, to not live anymore.
That's the easier option, isn't it?
Choosing to die. What so many people don't understand though, is that it's not the easy way out. It isn't, because for death to look like such an amazing option, it means that to live would be so hard because all the easy options didn't work, life has become so horrid that death looks beautiful, but choosing to die still isn't easy.
There is always someone, something that will make you think twice about your decision. Always. Choosing to die looked so wonderful. Death looked gorgeous compared to life. Yet if I chose to die, he wouldn't be there. I would lose him. However if I chose to live, I would have to work so hard and, in the end, is it really worth it?
It's whether you chose to hold on to that one thing, that one person, that decides your fate. You don't make the choice, everything, everyone around you does. You can want to pick one, but it's your surroundings that really make the final decision.
Live, or die.
"Clear!" Bella was shocked with the paddles, once again, yet there was no reaction. After another shock, Dr Kailey stopped, looking at Bella, the young girl who had chosen death over life. The nurse continued with the airbag, breathing for Bella, but only because she was not allowed to stop without orders. The only sounds that filled the room were those of Harry's cries and the dull ringing of the machine.
"You promised." Harry screamed at Bella from across the room. "You promised you wouldn't leave me. You promised me I wouldn't lose you. Come back to me Bella you fucking promised!" He refused to look anywhere but Bella. She can't be gone, she promised me she wasn't going anywhere, she promised. Harry stared helplessly at Bella.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
All the air left his system as he stared at the heart monitor, not believing his eyes. The nurses and doctors all around him were frozen, dumbfounded.
"Don't just stand there you morons." Dr Kailey barked at the group. "I want her fully stabilised and sedated, then I want a full work up so we can make sure this doesn't happen again."
I couldn't move. I wanted to, I wanted to run over to Bella, but I couldn't move. I was frozen in my spot, watching breathlessly as people moved around me, hooking up Bella to more machines and sticking things in her arms to monitor apparently everything.
"Mr Styles we're going to take Bella up to get some scans, okay?" The doctor, Dr Kalay, Katy, Kaidh, I don't know, gently placed her hand on my arm to snap me out of my daze. I shook my head at her.
"No. You can't take her anywhere. She stays here with me." Maybe she would have listened if my voice wasn't shaking so badly.
"We need to make sure this isn't something that will happen again. I will bring her back here the second we are done, okay?" I wanted to tell her no, but I was in too much shock to respond. Before I could object, Bella was being taken from the room. I don't know how long I stood there, trying to process what just happened. She died. Bella died. She came back though. She died, in my arms. Her heart fucking stopped and she died. They gave up on her! They were going to let her stay dead. My knees buckled and I fell to the floor, shaking and breathing heavily. My hands fumbling, I took out my phone and clicked on the small photo icon. I looked through each and every photo I had of her. About 95% of them she didn't even realise when I was taking them.
How did this all happen?
Screaming. Light. Darkness.
Live or die.
My head felt groggy and sore and I couldn't open my eyes.
"She's waking up." The voice seemed far away, but I willed my body to awaken. Squinting, I opened my eyes and saw two doctors standing over me. Where am I? This isn't my hospital room. Where is Harry? I want Harry.
"I want Harry." I attempted to speak but it just came out as a mumble.
"Did you get that? What did she say?" God why is everyone speaking so loudly?
"She was asking for the boy." Seriously why are they shouting?
"She was on suicide watch before, let's just keep her sedated for now." No, please, that stuff makes me groggy and horrible. I squirmed in discomfort as a cool liquid spread through my veins, but quickly fell unconscious.
I want to move, but my body won't let me. I want to speak, but I don't have enough strength to open my mouth. I want Harry. I need Harry.
"Bella, can you hear me?" I let out a small groan, forming words would be too much effort.
"Can you give my hand a squeeze and wriggle your toes for me." I mentally rolled my eyes. I can't even form words, I don't have the energy for this. I used every ounce of strength I could muster up and squeezed the persons hand, then moved my toes a little.
"That's very good Bella. I'm going to let you get a little rest, Dr. Kailey will be here shortly to talk to you." Where's Harry? Why isn't he here?
"H-Har..." I swallowed painfully and looked into the eyes of the woman, about to leave.
"I'm just about to go find Harry now, he'll be here in a jiffy." She smiled reassuringly and I felt like a massive weight had been lifted off me. Once Harry's here I'll be fine. I just need him to hold me, tell me he loves me. I need him here.
"Bella? How are you feeling?" I blinked and squinted to read the new lady's name tag: Dr. Kailey. What happened to letting me get some rest?
"Mm-Kay." I mumbled.
"That's good. You gave us all quite a scare before." I nodded a little, not entirely sure how to respond.
"Harry?" I asked hopefully.
"He'll be here soon I'm sure." That's what the other person said. "I'm just going to ask you a few questions, make sure everything's okay. Your tests didn't show anything irregular so it's safe to assume that what happened was simply, your heart gave out. After all the mental and physical stress on your body, it became too much. Don't worry though, we are sure it won't happen again." At least when she smiles it doesn't look fake.
"Okay." I took in a deep breath, feeling some of my energy coming back.
"Full name?" She held up a clipboard.
"Isabella Hailie Ramos." I told her, before rethinking my answer. Isabella? I'm not her, I'm Bella.
"14th of September."
"Are you in a retaliation-ship?" What? Does she not know who Harry is.
"Yes, with Harry." I replied, probably a little too rudely. Suddenly the door burst open and Harry ran in, followed by three frantic nurses.
"Bella. Oh thank god you're okay, I-"
"Sir you can't be here." One of the nurses, apparently out of breath, told him.
"I told you to fuck off because I'm not leaving." He snapped rather harshly. Before the nurses had a chance to respond, Dr Kailey spoke.
"It's fine, he can stay." The nurses huffed like little kids and left, all shooting Harry glares.
"Bella do you know who this is?" The nurse pointed at Harry.
"What do you mean? Of course she knows who I am-"
"We are just checking a few things to make sure there was no brain damage, it would be very unlikely but we just want to make sure." Harry sighed and sat down on a chair next to whatever uncomfortable bed I'm on.
"That's Harry Edward Styles. Mother, Anne; stepfather, Robin; father, Des; Sister, Gemma. He's part of One Direction. He's my boyfriend." Dr Kailey seemed satisfied with my answer. She asked a few more questions, each one tiring me out as I answered.
"Can you do this later? She's tired and you need to let her rest." There was something about Harry's face that I found unsettling. I couldn't pinpoint it but something was off and I didn't like it.
"Actually that's about all I needed, so I'll get you put back into your room and I'll come check up on you tomorrow. Sound good?" I smiled and nodded. 10 minutes later I was back in my room, yet I had a lot more wires attached to me monitoring a bunch of crap I've only heard on Greys Anatomy. The nurses and doctors cleared out of the room, leaving me in the bed and Harry sitting on the chair next to me.
"Christ Bella." Harry sighed and let his head fall into his hands. "Jesus you can't do that again. You hear me? You can't do that again. You fucking died and you can't do that again." His tone sent shivers down my spine. His voice wasn't so much loving or scared or anything, so much as harsh and a mean frantic. I nodded.
"Okay?" How am I supposed to respond, okay Harry I'll make sure my heart doesn't stop again. He nodded and quickly reached out, taking one of my hands between his.
"You don't get to leave me, okay? You don't get to die. You don't get to give up because I need you. I need you and I love you so don't you dare try and leave me again." Although his voice was harsh and angry, his face reminded me of how I felt when I woke up from a nightmare. Fright, panic, confusion and so much more.
"I'm not going to leave you." I told him calmly.
"You said that before but then you went and fucking died." He muttered the words quietly so I chose to pretend I didn't hear him.
"You should get some sleep. Your body needs to rest." Harry told me, the anger from earlier today practically gone.
"Okay." He hadn't moved from that chair. Well, he had, but not much and he hadn't come any
closer to me. I needed him to hold me, to kiss me, yet he hadn't done any more than hold my hand.
"I'm just gonna get a bit of fresh air but I'll be back in a minute." He gave me a small smile before leaving, flicking the lights off as he left. A nurse came in and sat down, as far away as she could from me as she knew I was about to go to sleep and having someone just sitting there while I slept.....it's a little weird.
After 10 minutes Harry still wasn't back so I pulled the blankets over me and closed my eyes, eventually drifting off to sleep.
"She'll be okay right? I mean......she has to be." I fell backwards onto Luke's bed next to him and he sighed loudly, tearing his eyes from his phone and dropping it onto the soft floor next to his bed.
"We're not going to have this conversation again are we? It's like 1:45 in the morning or something, go back to bed." He ran his hand through his hair, whining. Stop whining mate, you can get you're beauty sleep when Bella's life isn't on the line. I wonder how she is.
"Well what if she isn't okay! This is the second.....no third time that this has happened. What if it's just some endless cycle of her getting better for a while..or faking getting better..then just winding up in hospital after hospital. Are you even listening to me." I slapped his chest, hard. What if Bella isn't okay? What if she's never okay.
"I'm listening, just like I have the other thousand times we've had this conversation this week. Bella's tough, she'll get thought this. Plus with Harry by her side every waking moment when she's not in therapy, she will get better. You saw her, she's already getting a little bit better. She will be fine Eliza." He tried to reassure me, but it did just the opposite.
"Fine? She'll be fine. She'll get thought this. Don't you see that that's not good enough! She deserves to be happy, to be great. She deserves to have the fucking world so forgive me if I'm not okay with her being just fine!" I snapped at him, storming out of his room and back into mine. I huffed and jumped onto my bed, groaning into my pillow like I did when I was 10. As my phone started to buzz I got off my bed and looked for it.
"Shit." I kicked things around on my floor and moved things around my desk, finally finding it under a shitload of papers and about three books.
"Hello?" I answered quickly, not looking at the caller ID because if I did the phone would have rung out.
"Eliza, hey it's Louis." Why is he calling? Did something happen to Bella? Oh my god what happened!
"Okay....." I waited for him to continue. I know something isn't right, otherwise why would he call?
"Before I tell you anything, know that everything is fine now and you have nothing to worry about." Oh god what happened...
"That's not reassuring at all. What happened?"
"Don't freak out because she is okay now, but Bella's heart gave out earlier today. She was....well she was dead for a bit but they revived her and they've done heaps of tests and she is okay-"
"WHAT!?" I cut Louis off. Bella flatlined. She died. She didn't exactly die, she's fine now her heart just stopped for a while. Oh my god what if it happens again?
"What are her vitals like? How long did it take to revive her? Did her tests show any abnormalities? Did-"
"Eliza. Calm down."
"Calm down? How am I meant to calm down? If you know a way that I can magically stop worrying about her then please, tell me, but until then don't fucking tell me to calm down!" My hand was shaking at my side and I bit my lip in panic.
"Okay, don't calm down, just breath. I know you're probably pacing around so just lay down and breath, okay? Just lay down." Still tense, I went back over to my bed and laid down, my body stiff.
"I'm laying down." I told him, my tone flat.
"Okay, now just breath, stay on the phone with me and just for a few minutes, only think about your breathing. In.....out..." I listened to Louis voice as he trailed off and focused solely on my breathing. After a couple of minutes my body was relaxed.
"Thank you." I mumbled, taking another deep breath. "Louis." I hesitated.
"Do you-do you think she'll be okay?" Luke has told me countless times that she will be okay but that's what he said last time and she wasn't. She isn't okay.
"I know she will be. She'll get better and her and Harry will grow old and have 30 kids and she will be so happy. This is just....a bump. Yeah, it's just a bump in the road and once she gets through this she will absolutely be okay." I don't know why, but those words were all I needed to hear to believe that Bella will be okay.
"Thank you, seriously Louis thank you."
"Don't mention it. Look, why don't you come over now. I know you'll just spend the rest of the night worrying otherwise. El and Dani are here and I think Perrie is with them too so you can spend tomorrow with them. You shouldn't be alone." I thought about it for a second. El never seemed to like me all that much but she's been different recently.
"Sure." I agreed before I could talk myself out of it. "I'll be over soon."
Where am I? I crept quietly through the halls that were so familiar, yet I couldn't place them.
"Bella?" Who's voice is that? I don't know but it sent shivers down my spine. I need to leave. I need to get out. I tried to turn back around but I couldn't. I was frozen.
"Bella where are you?" The voice got louder and came closer and my feet stayed plastered to the ground. Then he appeared at the end of the hallway, an evil smirk on his face.
Ky. I gasped, my breath catching. The hallways, the voice. I need to leave, now. Why can't I move?
"I've missed you." His voice was sinister and made me want to scream. He slowly approached me. I whispered as his fingers touched my cheek and gently grazed down to my shoulder.
"P-please....." I whimpered.
"I didn't say you could speak!" His hand drew back and slapped across my cheek. There was a dull stinging, but not really any pain. Suddenly he grabbed my shoulders and threw me to the floor. I shook in fear as he towered over to me. His eyes flickered, and turned into a green-black. I gasped for air as I watched in terror, his dirty blonde hair changing to brown curls, dimples appearing on his smooth cheeks, he morphed into Harry.
"Harry?" I spoke timidly.
"I still didn't say you could speak!" His voice was still Ky's. I let out a blood curdling scream as he ripped me up from the floor and threw me across the room like......
I jolted awake and snapped my hands to my mouth to muffle what would have been a horrid scream. I quickly sat up and bent my knees, clutching and my heart and gasping for air.
"Oh god. Fuck." It was just a dream. Only a dream. Nothing more. Please god nothing more. The fast beeping of a machine took my attention and I watched the line moving quickly, indicating how fast my heart was beating.
"Just a dream." I took a deep breath but let it out quickly and shakily.
"Only a dream." Another breath. I curled up in a siting ball and squeezed my eyes shut, focusing on only my breathing and the beeping of the machine. Some time passed and the beeping became slower and more steady. I lifted my head just as a nurse appeared at the door.
"You alright?" I almost laughed at the question. I'm in a fucking psychiatric ward. If I was alright then I wouldn't be here.
"Yeah. Is there any chance I can get some fresh air?" She bit her lip and thought for a minute, I knew there was a very slim chance of her saying yes but if she thinks it will help me then she's sort of obliged to say yes.
"Okay. Let's go for a walk. Grab your jacket though it will be chilly." She transferred some wires to one big portable machine and we left the room quietly. She took me to the small garden on the roof. Is she allowed to bring me here? Girl on suicide watch. Rooftop...oh well I have no intention of jumping, if I wanted to die I would have already today.
I sat down on a cute wooden chair and the nurse sat nearby me. Taking a deep breath, I let the fresh air into my body and started to relax more. Harry was still asleep in my room, on the chair. Why didn't he sleep in the bed with me, like he usually does?
"Try to get some rest, it's 2am." I groaned internally as the nurse left. 2am only? I can't go back to sleep, that much I know. My phone buzzed and I frowned at it. Who's calling me at--never mind, I know it's Eliza. I picked up the phone and slid my finger across the bottom. I can receive calls on my phone here, that's it. I literally cannot do anything else.
"Hey." I spoke quietly, so Harry'll stay asleep.
"Why did you answer? It's 2am you should be asleep." I laughed lightly at her motherly tone.
"Arn't you the one who called me." I pointed out.
"Well yeah but I didn't think you'd answer. Why are you awake?" My lack of response gave her the answer.
"Have you been getting them often?" Her voice was filled with sympathy she was trying to suppress, she knows how I hate when people are all sympathetic, especially about nightmares.
"Only a few." I told her honestly.
"You should tell Harry." I sighed and rubbed my face.
"He's got enough to worry about. Anyway, why are you calling at two in the morning?" I asked curiously, changing the topic.
"Because apparently your heart stopped. How are your vitals-" I cut her off before she could start ranting.
"I'm okay. A little tired but I'm good." I almost told her about how Harry was acting but decided not to.
"You better be fine. I swear to god if your heart stops again I will kill you." She threatened. I laughed at her choice of words.
"Then I better pray that my heart doesn't stop again. So how's the whole situation with...ugh I can't remember his name, the clingy guy." I changed to topic again, not wanting to talk about me.
"He won't stop calling! And you know what I realised. I slept with his sometime in June, more then once, I didn't even remember! He keeps texting me saying that we can figure it out and he thinks he's falling in love with me for gods sake! I mean jeez I know I probably should have remembered sleeping with him before, but you know I hate winter, I never remember anything from those three months." I smiled widely at her whinging.
"I have a solution. Stop sleeping with guys so much." I gasped in fake awe at my solution.
"Ugh shut up. Get some sleep, I'm gonna go now anyway, bye."
"Bye, love you."
"Love you too." The line went dead and I put the phone down. Sighing, I picked up a pencil and some paper and started to draw random lines. The pencil then hovered over the page and I started to write.
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season
I looked down at the page and a million different people came to mind. People I knew, people I had heard of, people I had made up on the spot. Dr. Torres told me that when I write, to think about what I'm writing, not to just write and leave it at that. Well those lines had no hidden meaning, they were just a few lines that came to mind after talking to Eliza. Lines. Lyrics.
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticise,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
I stared at the new words I had written and many different scenarios came to mind. I don't think when I write, I just write. I started at the words for a few minutes before deciding what I thought they meant. Someone going into an abortion clinic. I had seen on tv a few weeks ago something about protests outside of abortions clinics. It's horrible how they try and make the people there feel. I smiled as I thought about one of my favourite lines from Greys Anatomy: "Are we happy or are we exercising our legal right to chose?" Aborting a baby isn't killing someone. I hate how everyone is so quick to judge...ugh I'm not getting into this train of thought now. I brought the pencil back down to the paper.
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
How is there a hidden meaning behind that? I rolled my eyes and wrote again.
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
Again, no hidden meaning...... Just breath.
May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
I attempted to find a hidden meaning, but I couldn't. I don't even know what the lyrics are really, just lyrics about a drunk I guess, I don't know. "Stop saying I don't know all the time, you're a smart girl, look a little deeper." Dr. Torres' voice echoed in my mind. Dad's birthday is in May....l don't even know where or what Fort Bliss is though. The rest is just about someone being an alcoholic. Look a little deeper. October.....my Grandmother died in October many years ago. Her death date in October was the only time my father was ever sober. Each year he was sober and visited her grave, on that day.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
I didn't really want to look deep into those lyrics, so I just re-read them and kept writing.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
I don't have to look for even more meaning, do I? Do I overthink things? I think I do. I think maybe I was overthinking about Harry being distant...or I'm not. I don't know am I?
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around.
So many possible meanings, do I have to pick one? Is everything about choices? Choices were easy once. Simple choices with crayons and stuff. Blue crayon for the sky, yellow for the sun. Then everything became more complicated. Whites and purples and blues with more colours made up the sky and 10 different shades of yellow and orange made up the sun, with more red, back and white. Then we give up on drawing because there's to many choices. Is this some big sort of metaphor? I don't understand my mind. Too complicated...
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
There's no hidden meaning to that. None at all, because I meant exactly what I wrote. Nothing more, nothing less.
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.
Eventually I heard a small knock on the door and I opened it and let Eliza in.
"Hey." Even from one word I could tell something was bothering her.
"What's wrong?" I asked immediately. She looked taken aback.
"Nothing." Her tone was defensive and I decided not to push it. Not tonight at least.
"Okay. I think all of the others are asleep. Come upstairs we'll just watch a movie or something. Then you should really get some sleep because you look like you haven't slept in a while. Not that you look bad or anything, you look great, you just....I don't know never mind." She frowned and so did I after my little ramble.
"Right....what movie do you wanna watch?" She asked, somehow making any awkwardness fade away.
"I don't know. How about She's The Man. I know girls love that and it's not some annoying sappy movie." I suggested. It's actually a pretty good funny movie.
"Yeah sure. I'm gonna go upstairs and turn the tv on. You get the disk." I nodded and walked to Zayns room, he has the DVD in his room somewhere. Trying to not make any noise, I creaked open the door. I let out a yelp in shock at what I saw.
Zayn and Perrie. In bed. In the middle of having sex.
"Oh my god." I swore and swiped the DVD from the chest of draws that was conveniently placed right next to the door. Slamming the door shut I ran away from the room until I could no longer head Perrie or Zayns mortified voices. Eliza was standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking at me, confused. I grabbed her hand and forced her to run up the stairs, darting into the room and closing the door, locking it.
"Um...what was that." She spoke hesitantly, probably weirded out by my wide eyes and pale face.
"I think Perrie and Zayn are getting back together," I gulped and Eliza burst out laughing, realising what I had walked in on.
"Oh you poor poor boy. You're gonna be scarred for life." She ruffled my hair and grabbed the DVD, putting into the machine and Turing the tv on.
"Let's just watch the movie."
"You sure you don't wanna go to bed?" I asked for the thousandth time, looking at Eliza's eyes drifting closed.
"No...no I need to be awake incase something happens to Bella. I gotta stay awa..." She trailed off and yawned.
"Look love, you're practically asleep. Nothing is going to happen to Bella and, not that something will go wrong, but if it does, which it won't, I promise I will wake you up, just please get some sleep." She rubbed her eyes like a little kid and shook her head, stifling another yawn.
"I'm not tired." She insisted stubbornly.
"Shut up Louis I don't want to sleep." Her eyes were practically closed and she was yawning more than she was breathing.
"Fine." I sighed, giving in. "Come here you look freezing." I shifted nearer to her and pulled her closer to me, rubbing my hand up and down her arm to warm her up.
"Louis." Her voice was so small I almost didn't here it. I looked at her and nodded. "What if she's not okay?" I closed my eyes and looked away, because seeing Eliza so vulnerable was painful and unusual.
"She will be." I didn't know how to tell Eliza, who might as well have been Bella's sister, that Bella would be okay. No matter what I say I know she will keep worrying. "You just gotta trust that she will be." I wrapped my other arm around her and kissed her forehead lightly, holding her in my arms until she finally fell asleep.
6 weeks later~December 4th ((A/N sorry if you don't like the big time jump but I didn't know what to put in between))
"So it's been almost 6 weeks that's you've been here and not been on suicide watch, how does that make you feel." I smiled a little at the thought of how far I had come.
"Honestly, it feels pretty great." I let out a laugh, a real one. "I know I'm not fully better yet or anything, but I just feel so much better." I didn't really know how to describe it to her. I've been here for a long time but each day I can feel myself getting better. It is not like I'm going 'wow today if full of potential and let's have rainbow parties on the beach and all hold hands and run off into the sunset' or anything. I kind of feel almost normal. Just like a normal person. Actually that's a lie... I still feel like cutting myself occasionally, but the meds and therapy help with that. I don't feel thin, in fact I still feel rather fat, yet I eat a healthy amount and have accepted the fact that I must be a good weight, even if I can't see it. I'm not better, I'm not normal, but I'm getting there.
"You've come so far Bella and I'm really proud of you. We've run out of time for today, so I'll see you next time." I smiled and left her room, walking down the hallway back to mine, smiling at some nurses and patients I had gotten to know. When I got back to my room Harry was sitting on the chair, reading.
"Hey." I smiled timidly. He looked up and smiled, watching me carefully as I sat down on the bed.
"Hi. How are you?" I nodded my head and smiled in response. He leaned over and gave my hand a squeeze before going back to his book. I turned on the tv and sat there, only half paying attention. I hate how this is normal for us. Harry has been so distant and I don't know why. He slept on the chair every night and hadn't kissed me in six weeks. Six weeks. Six weeks since he has held me, since he has kissed me, since I have felt safe in his arms. I miss him so much yet I'm too afraid to talk to him about it.
I know, I'm a coward. Maybe I could have fixed things if I told Dr. Torres want was going on, but I feel like this, whatever this is, is between me and Harry.
"Bella, I'm going to take some blood, just to make sure all is well, sorry." Karen walked in with her little box of things. I rolled my right sleeve up and stuck my arm out.
"I think you have enough blood from me to make a whole new me." I joked as she got my arm ready. It's true, she doesn't take blood very often any more but with the amount taken in total, they must have a shitload of my blood.
"Two of you? I don't think we'd be able to pay our cable bill with all of the Greys Anatomy you watch." She laughed and got the needle out. I winced as she stuck the needle into my arm.
"I think it hurts more every time you take my blood." I pouted.
"Oh don't make me feel bad." She taped a cotton wool ball to my arm and gave me a quick hug before leaving. I could feel Harry's eyes on me and I looked at him. He looked extremely deep in thought, his eyebrows furrows and his jaw clenched.
"Does it hurt? When she takes blood?" I was taken aback by the question, not from the actual question really, but the fact that he brought up something like that. We seem to never really speak, unless it's him vaguely asking how I am, or me telling him to not yell at people for accidentally waking me up in the middle of the night by being loud outside my room. I don't understand him. He's been acting like he doesn't care about me while at the same time acting like I'm the only think that matters. No alternating between the two, being them both at once.
"Um, yeah a little." I shrugged.
"Oh. Okay." He took a deep breath and nodded.
"I'm gonna go get some fresh air, I'll be back in a bit." He smiled and reached for my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before leaving. The second he was out of sight I fell back on my pillow and let out an annoyed groan. I'm confused. It's as simple as that.
The needles hurt, that's good, right? It means she doesn't like the pain. She still wears long sleeves, even though it's getting really warm. I've have seen her a few times with a short top on and the scars have faded a lot but are still easily noticeable as lines on her skin. She's gotten a lot better, I can tell. Her eyes are more lively and she's finally put some weight on. She is so beautiful. I never noticed when she was getting thinner but as she added some weight I realised just how thin she was, and how beautiful she was when she wasn't just skin and bones.
After walking around outside for a bit I walked back up to Bella's room. When I got there she was sitting on the bed watching tv.
"Hey." I smiled lightly and sat back down on the chair I have grown to love and hate.
"Hey." Her smile was shy and that pained me. I know that-
"Harry." Karens voice tore me from my thoughts and I smiled up at her. "Dr. Torres has requested to see you."
Thank you for all your comments, there will be a sequel. I would type more but I'm so tired.....sorry
why is Harry acting weird? why does Dr. Torres want to see Harry?
HAPPY EASTER! Hope you all had/have a great day
125 votes and a bunch of comments and I'll update faster!!!
the song in the chap is a 'Breath (2am)' and I can't remember who it's by, I'll find out later I'm about to fall asleep