Make It Stop ⇼ Luke Hemmings
Luke sighed, disgruntledly staring out the bus window as we went on a school field trip.
"I'm bored, Romy." He whined, lacing his fingers with mine, I immediately pulled away, rejecting his intimate gesture, as our friends were sitting behind us and could easily look over at any moment. We'd been in the bus for about forty-five minutes, and would be stick in here for another hour. We were on our way to a science museum, the only thing that prompted me to come to school this Monday. I was honestly drained and all I want to do is crawl back in bed and sleep, but we weren’t doing anything academic today, so I figured I might as well—I already paid, anyways.
“We’re all bored, Luke.” I referred to the restless teenagers, screaming across the bus and getting in constant trouble. He sighed again, setting his head on my shoulder and trying once more to hold my hand. “Luke.” I muttered. “Stop.” He sat straight once more, sitting near the edge of the bus seat, creating distance between us.
“When are you going to tell them?” He asked as I stared out the window.
“Tomorrow.” I confirmed. “Maybe. I don’t know, I’ll try.” Pulling out my phone, I began reading a story I had started this morning.
“Whatcha doing?” I immediately rolled my eyes.
“I’m reading.” I snapped. I wasn’t quite sure why I was being so distant with Luke but I couldn’t really help it. Ever since he’d dropped me off last night(since we had sex), I’ve just been irritable about the whole experience. It just lacked the euphoric, special feeling. It was sloppy and rushed and I felt so cheap afterwards. It’s not that I wasn’t ready, or that Luke pressured me, I just think that it could have been more gracious, not two teenagers packed in a messy bedroom while his family is downstairs. I do not regret what we did, but perhaps how we did it.
“You’re so crabby today.” He muttered, more to himself.
“I know.” I sighed. “I’m sorry.” He shrugged.
“Knock, knock.” He nudged my shoulder after a few minutes of silence.
“Who’s there?” I finally locked my phone, setting it on my leg to pay attention to him.
“Cows go.” Luke smirked.
“Cows go who?” His face broke out in a grin.
“No, silly! Cows go moo!” I couldn’t help but laugh at his dumb joke, lightly swatting his shoulder.
“You’re dumb.” I rolled my eyes, playfully.
“You love it!” He teased.
“What’s wrong?” Luke finally asked, agitated. “You’re being weird.”
“I know.” I repeated, biting my lip.
“Why?” He inquired.
“Just a weird day.” I shrugged.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I shook my head. “Is it your mum?” He asked anyways.
“No.” I whined.
“Is it…” He began, but stopped with a sigh.
“Yeah.” I responded, knowing where it was headed.
“Should we… Talk about it?” He and I were both at a loss of words.
“No.” I shook my head, and for the rest of the ride, we were silent. The field trip wasn’t much different, as we were with our friend group and most of the conversation was dictated by Kaylee, Ella, and Steph. The boys knew something was up, as Luke and I stayed as far away from each other as possible. it was severely awkward on the bus ride home, even more awkward when he drove me back to my house. Without asking to do anything, we parted without a kiss. I suppose we both knew we screwed up and rushed into things, and the worst part is, I had no one to talk to about it. Besides Luke, I felt like I was completely alone, and I had no idea what to do.
That night, in a bold moment, I took a handful of pills and went to bed. How the fuck could I be so stupid? How the fuck could I waste the only thing Luke and I had left to preserve? When I woke up in the middle of the night vomiting, mum insisted I stayed home from school. I did, happily, and without wanting to face Luke again, I took pills every night so I’d go to sleep feeling numb, wake up puking, and be ‘forced’ to stay home from school. I didn’t answer Luke’s phone calls or texts at all, but apart from a cell phone, he made no attempt to see me. I was grateful, but fuck, I missed him. I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone, though. I was puking so much, that there was a slight blood spotting in it, and I knew if I kept it up, I’d surely have to go to the hospital.
When the next Monday rolled around, I woke up at four in the morning, puking. I couldn’t help but cry as I finally picked my phone up and dialed Luke’s number with shaky hands. It went to voicemail after a few rings, and I knew it’d be easier to say what I needed to say because he was not there to object. After a week of thinking, I decided that I can’t be with Luke anymore. It hurt too much, I’m too scared, and I just don’t know how to handle it. The only way to do so, was to leave him a voicemail explaining this, and do my best not to speak to him again. The beep finally sounded, and I stayed quiet for a few moments before sighing, rubbing my tired, watery eyes.
“Luke.” I whispered. "I know I haven't called you back in a week, but I had a good reason. My hands are shaking so damn hard and I can't find the words to tell you that sometimes, when two stars collide, they form a black hole. And your voice... It's my favorite song and how your lip quivers makes my bones feel like they're snapping in half. I love you too much to spit out the black hole, the sucking mass of nothing that I feel growing in my chest and in your mouth when we kiss. You are the brightest star in the sky, but my eyes are still closed—I still see myself burning out and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but I can't kiss you tonight. I can't kiss you ever again because I'm going insane and I can't stop thinking, I can't stop shaking and I just need someone to save me. I need you to save me, but you are not here. You promised you'd take care of me. You promised—you fucking promised, and here I am, lying in my own blood and my pill tainted vomit. Make it stop, Luke. Please just make it stop."
Before I could finish saying everything I needed to, I heard my name being called on the other side of my bedroom door.
“Romy?” It was mum. “I think it’s time I take you to the hospital.” Her voice was slow, she’d definitely heard me throwing up again.
“I think so, too.” I rasped, grabbing a random sweater off the floor and following mum to the car.
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